I Can't Love You
by Blue Angel 1245
Summary: Boone struggles with his feelings for the courier and his dead wife. " I can't love you." At his quiet admission, she nodded, " I know."


After their first time together, Boone spoke, low, almost urgently. " I can't love you." At his quiet admission, she nodded, " I know", just as quiet and that was that. They continued on as before with none of the other companions any wiser to their night together.

Boone watched her as she flirted and danced with the other men in the Tops. Watched her grind against them in time with the beat of the music. Watched as she whispered in their ears and the besotted, almost pleading looks on her partners' faces. He felt jealousy surge through him. 'You can't love her!' He harshly reminded himself. With a deep breath, he forced his feelings back and turned from the dance floor and headed to the bar.

Boone watched as she flirted with Benny, running a hand down the side of his face and over his checkered covered chest. He watched as she whispered in his ear and saw the key Benny slipped into her hand. He watched as Benny left and she, after a glance at Boone, followed. Boone looked down at his left hand surprised to see it clenched into a fist. His mind barked at him 'you can't love her!' And he slowly unclenched his hand.

Boone waited for ten minutes before he made his way up to Benny's room. When the guards at the end of the hall were distracted he slipped into the room. She jerked away from Benny with a startled gasp and Boone's gun was aimed at Benny's head. "Boone! What are you doing?" She cried to him. When Boone registered what she had asked, when he realized his gun was in his hand and his finger on the trigger, he shook his head, 'Fool! You can't love her!' Slowly he eased his hand off the trigger and glared down at the floor before storming out of the room.

Boone watched as she staggered back into the presidential suite after her night with Benny. He watched as she washed the blood from her hands and face, watched as she fell into her bed and slept. His eyes concerned, but concealed behind his sunglasses, closed and a soft whisper floated through his head. 'I can't love her'. Boone left the suite, the curious eyes of the others on his back. He didn't come back for two days.

She didn't question his absence, didn't question his quiet return. Just looked at him and held out her hand for him to join her as she left for the wastes. When they were surrounded by Legion assassins, she never doubted his skill and abilities. She never worried that he'd falter, never worried he'd fail her. His heart swelled with her trust and the sunny smile she bestowed on him after the fight. 'I can't love her' was a caress in his mind as he followed her.

She didn't do anything, but smile when he expressed a wish to visit Bitter Springs. When he asked to stay she quietly set her pack and gun down as he stood watching the sunset. When the slave party struck, she didn't question him as he fired at them and ran down to fight them off. All she did was follow. When the fighting was over, she didn't question his disappointment at being alive still. She understood his demons. She instead, quietly patched his wounded shoulder and suggested they stay to help out with the wounded. ' You can't love her!' A voice roared in his head. Boone almost flinched at the volume in his own mind.

When they got stuck in a sand storm and had to take shelter in an old, abandoned shack, he found her eyes. She watched him and he knew it was a look she only gave him. That soft, secretive smile, the understanding glow in her eyes. " I can't love you" he said on instinct. She gave him another look, this one sadder, but no less understanding. She nodded " I know" and kissed him.

When he woke the next day to find her gone, he tried not to feel hurt. Tried to be understanding, to not let it get to him. He slowly packed up his stuff and headed for Novac. He wasn't sure if she'd welcome him back to the Lucky 38. It was a two day hike back to Novac from the shack and he walked slow. In no hurry to get there and even less to be that far from New Vegas. He didn't let his mind wonder as to why and simply growled out to himself "I can't love her!"

Novac was the same and even though he had killed Jeannie May, he was welcomed back as the night sniper again. Manny tried to talk to him, but he just walked to his old room and closed the door. Manny kept trying to talk to him and finally after a week, Boone relented and left the door open as Manny trailed after him. The talk between them had been both angry and healing in turn. Boone never said he forgives Manny and Manny never asked for his forgiveness, but they mended what they could of their shattered friendship. Boone reluctantly told him of her. His confused feelings, his unwillingness to love someone else. "And now? You're here, but you look worse then you did when you first left." Manny told him. "Haven't been sleeping," was all Boone said. "Craig, you're so busy thinking you can't love her, have you ever considered that maybe you already do?" Manny asked it gently and Boone's gaze met his. "I can't love her" was his response and with that he walked away to take his shift in Dinky. Manny stared after him, concerned.

It took a month before Boone slept, a month for him to not feel hurt, a month for him to acknowledge that he missed her. Boone slept and while he did he dreamed of her. Of her face, her hands gliding over him, of her smile, her laugh. "You didn't come back," she accused in the dream. He saw himself eyes down looking into her face "I can't love you" his dream self told her. Her face changed to one that made his chest ache. "Carla…" he whispered to his wife. " Craig, my darling, how I miss you!" his wife's dream persona said with a sad sigh. "How can you miss me? How can you even look at me?" he demanded. "Darling, you did the only thing you could. I have seen what my life would have been like, what our baby's would have been like. That's a life neither of us would ever want for him." "Him?" Boone questioned and at Carla's nod he looked down to his arms to see a baby. Emotions swarmed him and he clutched to little baby close. "His life would have been full of hatred and instead it is full of love. The love you had for us, the love that made you pull the trigger, is all he knows. No hate, only love." slowly the baby in his arms disappeared and Carla replaced him. "Craig, you have to let us go. You have to forgive yourself and move on." At Carla's words Boone's eyes swam with tears. "How can I move on, how am I supposed to forgive myself for what I did to you?" Carla reached up to grasp his face in her hands and Boone leaned into them. "By letting yourself love her" At that, his eyes widened and his gaze shot to hers in confusion. "You love her, Craig." Boone shook his head, but Carla held up her hand to stop him. "It's okay darling, don't deny yourself or her the love you can have together. I've seen her, she's beautiful, and everything you need. I've seen what could be, I've seen your happiness. Let me go, let me go so you can live. Darling, you'll always have a part of me in your heart, but the thing about your heart is, it's able to hold so much more love. You can always love me, being with her doesn't mean you don't or never did, but loving her, darling, it can set you free. Free from the guilt and torment you hold around yourself." Carla kissed him and slowly faded from the dream. Boone shot up in bed calling her name. Looking around and seeing his room in Novac, Boone brought his shaking hands up to cover his face, and for the first time since Carla and the baby died, he cried. He cried so hard that he was gulping for air and when the last sobs quieted down, he was left with a stuffy nose and raging headache.

His shifts in Dinky were long and quiet. He watched and waited, but she never came. He realized that he would have to go. That if he ever wanted to see her again, he had to be the one to go. His dream brought him some peace. He was finally able to grieve and finally able to let go. He felt like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders and with his gun and a small pack, he started off to New Vegas. Manny watched him go with a small smile and a wave from DInky.

He found her in the Lucky 38. She was in the kitchen with Arcade and Veronica leaning over some maps. At his entrance, her eyes widened and she gasped his name "Craig!" Boone, uncaring of the other two in the room, walked up to her and kissed her. His hands framing her face. It was a fast, hard kiss. He pulled away, looking down at her and said " I can love you, because I already do." At that, her eyes swam with tears and she smiled at him. "I love you, too" she whispered to him, and he nodded. "I know."


End file.
